Adventures in Open Marriage

“I’d like to have a dialogue with you about opening our marriage.”

That is how it began. Somewhat benign. No great declarations of infidelity or feeling hopeless or wanting a divorce. Just a pre-bed, in-the-dark conversation starter that couldn’t have sounded less threatening.

Except it was threatening. It is awful. It is one of the worst things I had ever heard. My stomach clenched and my face grew hot. My throat swelled with emotion and I just laid there, confused and hurt, before I said anything.

Open marriage? Like swingers clubs and key parties and gold chains dangling through chesthairs that peek out of polyester jump suits? Wasn’t open marriage just a stepping stone to divorce? Don’t you want a divorce? Why did you get married at all? Do you still love me? What does love even mean? Do I still love you? What about our daughter? Why are you doing this to us?

Those were just a few of the questions raised that night. Quite a few more circled around honesty, hurt feelings, disbelief, sex, fantasy, desire, parenting, divorce, separation, love, and pretty much everything else you would imagine. It was a harrowing night. It was horrible. It was…the first step to me saying “yes.”

I didn’t say yes right away. In fact, I didn’t say anything at all. My sweet husband, Peter Pan, just wanted to start the conversation. He wanted an open dialogue where I listened to his feelings and he listened to mine and we reached some sort of common ground. Open marriage. OPEN MARRIAGE. It is almost as awful to type as it is to say. But I agreed to listen, and I agreed to keep an open mind, and I agreed to continue the conversation.

That conversation lasted for days. I thought of nothing else. I devoured books on the subject and read nearly every (seemingly legitimate) article I could find. I talked to a trusted friend who knows Peter Pan and I very well. I thought about my own idea of love and commitment, my own sexual fantasies and realities, and what I wanted out of marriage. I thought more about ME than I did about HIM.

I will write more about the journey I took from “No, absolutely not, it will destroy us,” to a place of, “Yes, let’s try this, I think we will be happy.” But for anyone reading this who has been in a smilar position, know that this is happening more than you think. Maybe even that very conservative, traditional couple in the suburban home next door. Because that is me.

My name is Mrs. Pan, and I am in an open marriage.